A Scientific Inquiry into the Alarming Growth of John Sterling World Series WinWarbles, as measured longitudinally across 11-year stretch

The facts don't lie. The average World Series-clinching WinWarble is growing at an alarming rate. This is not a natural phenomenon. It is caused by man.

This year's final WinWarble, which seemed short comparative to earlier warbles, measures about 33 percent longer than its 1998 equivalent. That means 33 percent more carbon dioxide being spewed into the air. That means John Sterling may be setting himself up for serious health problems later on. The human voicebox is not equipped for such stress.

Thank you, Dan, for alerting us to this critical issue.

Eight reasons why U.S. Senate won't pass bill congratulating Yankees

1. GOP worried that Yankee Stadium Steak House is secret gay meeting spot.



2. Democrats squeamish about supporting Yankee overspending.



3. In fierce debate, Sen. Jim Bunning claims to still pitch for Phillies.



4. Republicans oppose taxpayers picking up tab for Chien-Ming Wang surgery.



5. Sarah Palin claims Phillies closer faced Yankee "death panel."



6. Sen. Harry Reid's attempt to attach public health care option to bill backfires.

7. White House refuses to sign any measure because World Series was played exclusively on Fox.

8. Sen. David Vitter nabbed with A-Rod's phone number.

"Y" IS FOR VENDETTA: A team of free agents we can sign and then torture

This is the revenge we've long awaited.

Each of these free agents belongs on our YANKEE VENDETTA LIST.

We can sign them to a contract. Overpay, if necessary. Let them come to spring training. They can bat .500 and win a job. On the last day, we cut them. We send them to Scranton. They ride the bench. After several weeks, we demote them to Trenton, then Charleston and finally Tampa -- where they play the months of July and August on 105-degree afternoons. If they complain, we have doctors perform exploratory surgery on them. We can be medieval.

Here's a line-up of free agents with which -- I guess you could say -- we have a bone to pick. Mwah, hahahahahaha.

c Jason Varitek

1b Kevin Millar

2b Adam Kennedy

ss Omar Vizquel

3b Nomar Garciaparra

of Dave Roberts

of Wily Mo Pena

of Darin Erstad

dh Ken Griffey Jr.

p Jose Contreras

p Carl Pavano

rp LaTroy Hawkins

rp Jeff Weaver

Update 6:28 AM: MWAH, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHAHA.

Suggested Rules for Instant Replay in Baseball

It's time for Major League Baseball to join the 20th Century!

It's time for Video Replay Umpiring in the manner perfected by the National Football League. No longer should baseball games be decided on the whimsy of lumps who cannot see the strike zone without tucking in one of their three chins.

We suggest the following procedures.

1. On a close play at any base -- not including balls and strikes -- a manager can demand a video review by tossing his ORANGE FLAG flag onto the playing field. This signifies the need for a video conference.

2. Umpires will proceed to the clubhouse to watch and discuss the play. They will have five minutes to issue their decision. Meanwhile, the Jumbotron screen will play commercials.

3. If the play stands as called, the manager who demanded the video review will be charged ONE TIME OUT! This will deter managers from throwing the flag indescriminately.

Poll: Pedro Issue Not An Issue

All of this idiotic noise about Yankee fans having to forgive the odious Pedro Martinez? Far from a grassroots peace movement, it's an astroturf campaign headed by anonymous blogger "El Duque," whose preferred rhetorical strategy is to repeat himself ad nauseum and call it conventional wisdom. To the contrary, a glance at the totals from his own sidebar poll confirms that the Pedro-forgivers are nothing more than a tiny fringe group of immature, loud-mouthed nuts who believe if they keep shrieking from their urine-scented cribs they'll overcome majority rule and get their own way.

Which will never happen.

In other words: nothing to see here, fans. Move along.

"Amnesty for Pedro" Movement Sweeping Yankiverse

It gets late early, when you sleep in the doorway of love.

- Yogi Berra -

Across the world, young people everywhere are joining

the movement to Absolve Pedro Martinez

of past sins... and to welcome him

into the Kingdom of the 27th Heaven.

They are thriving in places like Reading, Pennsylvania!

And upscale sections of Binghamton!



In outposts near Fort Myers, Florida!

And high schools of Utah!

Utica, New York!

Even Southern California!

Whitey Fraud's poolboy has joined!

LET. HATE. END. HERE.

Congressional Vote Reveals Pockets of Yankee Hatred

House Resolution 893 -- congratulating the New York Yankees for winning the World Series -- passed last week by a vote of 386 to 17, with 11 Congressmen voting "present."

Here it is, folks. Gaze into the abyss -- the lawless territories where hate outshines even the smile of Mariano Rivera, the areas full of religious-nutjob-crackhead-rapists of dogs, who congregate on trash-filled hillsides in California and middle Floriduh.

See that miserable speck of West Virginia? That's where the one person with health insurance got shot last week.

The region in Iowa? That's where they sell bedsheets with eye-slits.

That white part of Upstate New York? It was too cold to vote.

The gutless regions of Vermont and New Hampshire, where the politicians didn't have the balls to take a stand.

Here it is, folks: American politics.

But the hatred must end.

WE AS YANKEE FANS, ANNOINTED BY THE OILS OF OUR 27TH WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP, MUST END THE HATRED. NOW.

WE CAN DO THIS BY FORGIVING ONE OF THE GREAT WAR CRIMINALS OF OUR ERA, PEDRO MARTINEZ, WHO IS NOW OLD AND DECREPIT AND A THREAT TO NO ONE. WHY SHOULD THIS SAD MAN BE TREATED DISRESPECTFULLY? HE SIMPLY TRIED TO PLAY THE GAME.

VOTE FOR PEDRO!

Open Letter to Brian Cashman: You must sign John Lackey

Dear Mr. Cashman,

Never abandon a winning strategy.

This winter -- in fact, every winter, from now on -- we should sign the best three players available.

But this year's market doesn't fit our team as snugly as last year's...

With one exception: John Lackey.

Sign him. He's a Texas lugnut. He's gotta be sick of LA. He's a gamer. He protects his team in beanball wars. Moreover, he kills us. If the Angels won game six, he might have shut us out in game 7. He is the perfect addition to CC and AJ. We can even use his initials: JD.

Sign him, sir, sign him, sign him!

Boston will chase him. They'll want to reassure their angry fanbase. They'll want a Yankee killer. The team that whiffs on Lackey will feel immense pressure to trade for Roy Halladay. Toronto won't trade within the division unless it's a slam dunk in their favor.

Sign Lackey, and make the Redsocks drain their soggy system for Halladay.

Sign Lackey, and we can sit back, bid up the price tag and maybe get Halladay ourselves.

Sign Lackey. Yes, the critics will scream. They'll scream, no matter what. They'll claim we're not playing by the rules. But these are the rules. They'll claim we overspend. But last year, we reduced payroll. We could do it again. Let them scream. The only screams you should fret are from Yankee fans, if we're 10 out in July.

Sign Lackey. Do it first. Visit his home. Bring chocolates. Bring footrubs. Gifts for the children. Send CC and Jeet. Wine him. Dine him. Show the Cashman flair. Show the love that exists so abundantly within the Yankee breast that its fans would even forgive Pedro Martinez.

Sign Lackey, and drive a stake into Boston's heart.

Sign Lackey, and watch them panic.

Sign Lackey, and we repeat in 2010.

Sign Lackey, sir. Sign Lackey.

Post-Series Proclamation

When in the course of Yankee events, it becomes necessary to question the status quo and its sanity, I’m the guy to do it since I’m well acquainted with mental turpitude and its vicissitudes.

El Donké has become unhinged by our hard-fought Yankee victory and his tireless role in blogging an unheard-of amount of inanities, joke-free “humor” and contrived connections between dead celebrity relatives and Yankee wins. Plus, he steals elections.

Clearly, El Douchebag is sick. Very sick.

Seeking forgiveness and absolution for Pedro Martinez?? WTF???

Martinez, as is well known, was part of the scummy redsocks and the hapless Flushing Mets. He faced our beloved Yankees twice as a member of the Fillies.

El Durge wants to let this guy get off the hook?

What perverse reasoning led this befuddled rural denizen to seek absolution for Pedro Freakin’ Martinez? Huh?!?

And now, he pleads for well-known semi-moron anti-Yankee Curt “Ketchup Sock” Schilling??

SCHILLING!!

You’re fucking kidding me!

Who’s next?

Youk??

Longoria??

Hitler?

McCarver?

No!

It’s time for el Dumbo to temporarily step down and be confined to his country village for recuperation, shock treatment and “therapy,” like counting “”win wirbles”” or tracking Joe Girardi’s new number (Go for 28 or skip right to 29? Ooh! Important stuff!) or writing a book of doggerel “poetry.”

Who can step into the breach to keep our beloved online vessel on track?

Self-proclaimed “captain” Superfluous Frankfurter is busy "scripting" a Stumbo-Bazooka Joe Zombie Crisis crossover series for Tekno Comix and following PeteAbe’s Tweeter, so forget him. I have to go away for a little while myself, but my attorney, Murray, says that with good behavior, the confinement will be brief.

I propose that IIH, IIF… be run by a committee of Michael Kei, BernBabyBern and I’m Bill White, overseen by Mons Meg, with pro tem duties by Alphonso, and the rest of the crew on 24-hour standby.

This will allow El Dickweed to regain his self-deluded dignity while resting and rhyming “Matsui” with “kerflooey.”

It’s sad but necessary. We must rise above this sorry episode that threatens to put a giant asterisk on our hard-won #27.

Letter to the Editor: A learning experience

San Gabriel Valley Tribune (California)
November 6, 2009

We watched the Angels play the Yankees during the ALCS from New York and the announcers, probably homers, kept us up to date with the score of a professional New York football team game being played at the same time, as if we should care.

My wife and I didn't tune in to hear eastern football scores. They must feel back there that everyone cares.

There was one thing I've learned watching the Angels win an American League championship this year. Now, when we have a good day, my wife and I pour beer and champagne on each other's heads. Yes, I learned this from the Angels.

Paul R. Gotts

Whittier

Giants' astonishing ineptitude signals Yankee repeat in 2010

This we know: For the Yanks to win, the Giants must lose.

I think the tradition goes back to the old Giants playing in Yankee Stadium, having the field messed up every October. When the Yankees were great, the Giants sucked. When the Giants won their Super Bowls, the Yankees weren't in it. The only chance NYC has for simultaneous NFL-MLB champions will be the Jets and Mets. Don't hold breath.

Just watched the Gints' latest debacle. It ranks up there with The Fumble (pictured above.) They had the game. They pissed it away.

During the Yankees' recent run, the Giants lost three straight. Now it's four.

Right now, considering the way Tom Coughlin looks at Eli Manning, go to Vegas and bet the house: Yankees to repeat in 2010.

Letter to the Editor: Jay-Z and the Yankees

The Toronto Sun
November 2, 2009

Dear Editors,

I watched in amazement the other night as Jay-Z and Alicia Keyes performed Empire State Of Mind, the new anthem to the New York Yankees. I was in awe not only of the performance but also of all the players, Yankees and Phillies, enjoying themselves prior to the game. I even got a call from my father (70 years old), a man who grew up with the "standards" like Frank Sinatra's classic New York, New York, which has been the staple/ anthem of the Yankees' crowd. He enjoyed the performance and the song. I can't tell you the number of times I angered my parents with the rap sounds reverberating from the walls of my bedroom. That my father enjoyed rap music makes me realize the genius that is Jay-Z , bridging the gap between young and old.

DARREN GLASS
TORONTO

Letter to the Editor: A long wait!

Morning Call (Allentown, Pennsylvania)
November 2, 2009

Dear Editor,

How sweet it is! It has been 59 years since the New York Yankees swept four straight games from the Philadelphia "Whiz Kids." It has not been forgotten. Many of us waited to see this day arrive and now we can once again watch two great teams do battle until a champion emerges victorious. Of course, for those of us who remember having to watch the former series in front of store windows since TV sets were a rarity, we fans will now watch in glorious hi-def color. What excitement and what a treat for Halloween. Go Phillies!

Leo McDonough
Whitehall Township

Letter to the Editor: Not a Real Canyon

Newsday (New York)
November 8, 2009

Most of them are gone now. They fought in hellholes like Normandy, Dunkirk and Guadalcanal. Some never came back. Some who did were missing limbs and eyes. All who came back would never be the same.

They came back to a grateful nation and were justifiably rewarded with a march down the Canyon of Heroes.

Then there are the Yankees - no doubt heroes to millions of their adoring fans. They are grown men playing a child's game. Most of them make more money in a day than their fans earn in a year. Their insane salaries push the price of tickets beyond the means of most of their fans.

And yet, on Friday they too went down the Canyon of Heroes. By rewarding the Yankees exactly the same as our returning war heroes, we give the mistaken impression that somehow their deeds are of equal value. This is outrageous. The Canyon of Heroes must be exclusively for soldiers returning from overseas combat. Our returning veterans once were hailed there. It is sacred ground.

Dr. Bruce Topol
Lynbrook

IT IS HIGH receives prestigious award for Internet coverage of Post-Season

The much-coveted Nappie is the Internet equivalent of the Pulitzer, Oscar, Grammy and Nobel Peace Prize, without the crass distraction of a cash award, which we out of principle would have refused anyway.

IT IS HIGH wins the category of Best Single-Team Post-Season Coverage By a Blog, which makes us the Hideki Matsui of the Internet or the Dell Computers Employee of the Week for the Month of October. (Pictured is last year's Best Single-Mom Post-Season Coverage By a Blog winner, Angelina Jolie.)

We haven't decided whether to attend the gala award ceremonies, to be broadcast on 30-second delay on Spike Network II from the Hollywood Bowl on Lincoln's Birthday, and which are followed by a series of celebrity ecstacy parties hosted by major studios and Vanity Fair. (Already, Alphonso has been contacted about the multi-page pictoral; a deeply private man, it's not clear if he will approve their photo illustration proposal. I don't want to give it away, but let's just say it has to do with whipped cream and walkoff pies, and not much clothing.)

Obviously, this is the greatest moment in the history of IT IS HIGH, which would only be topped by a visit from The Master himself.

RINO Ari Fleischer Flunks GOP Purity Test

Pres. George W. Bush's first press secretary loves Don Rumsfeld and Don Mattingly equally, so it's weirdly big and bigly weird of him to admit:

History is not on our side. The previous eight Yankee victories took place on the Democrats’ watch, during the terms of Presidents John F. Kennedy, Jimmy Carter and Bill Clinton. Under Presidents Gerald Ford, Ronald Reagan and George H. W. and George W. Bush, the Yankees never won. The last time the Yankees won it all with a Republican in office was under Dwight Eisenhower, in 1958. Joe Girardi, the Yankee manager, hadn’t even been born.

Ari Fleischer goes on to urge Yankee fans to vote against his party! More or less!

A move four days ago I'm still trying to digest

"HENSLEY MEULENS NAMED GIANTS HITTING COACH"

At first, I figured the NY Giants, who aren't hitting lately, beyond the bottle.

Then it hit me: "Bam Bam" Meulens - the cornfed, multi-lingual manchild who was supposed to make us forget Bye Bye Balboni -- is now a coach. And who knows? Maybe he'll be a great coach.

Look at Dave Eilland, formerly the pitching Shelley Duncan of Columbus.

Why ponder this?

Because we love Ron Guidry, but went the entirity of his time as pitching coach with nothing from Dave Eillands on our staff. Granted, Gator didn't have a C.C. and A.J -- but we pissed boatloads of coin onto those bullpens, and were always up to eyeballs in Proctors and Sturtezes. I wonder...

Don Mattingly? Love him forever. Did he ever straighten out A-Rod for an October? Was Giambi his fault? Hell no. Should Kevin Long get the credit this year? Who knows?

Soon, (geologically speaking), Mariano will punt. Every instinct in our Cialis-ringed brainpans says he'll be a great pitching coach. Or will he?

And then we have Mr. Jeter. Future Yankee manager, right?

I say... this is why we need a YES Network II.

Give the stars a life. Paul O'Neill couldn't coach. But he can host a show.

Once these guys retire: Reality TV!

C.C. can host a cooking show. Jeet can judge hotties on Yankee Project Runway. Swisher can be wise-cracking late night host. Andy gets Sunday morning 6 a.m. slot. Johnny Damon -- Mythbuster. Hideki Matsui gets the porn 2-5 a.m. slot.

Hitting coach? Where Cody Ransom?

Beautiful quote from A-Rod

The Times buried this. Last paragraph. Sums up everything.

“I wish we could just continue to play. Just show up and play for no reason. We have such a good group of guys. You know. No umpires, no scores. Just show up and have fun, like a softball game.”

LET HATE END HERE II: Curt Schilling is crying out for friendship. Should we offer an outstretched white dove hand of love

In this week's Globe of Gammonism, a quote from the Senator:

"I don’t know that I'm really friends with anybody in my life that wants any team in New York to ever win anything."

This is so sad.

Curt Schilling is an angry man. A confused man. A lonely man.

A man who, I suspect, could use a friend.

Yes... a Yankeefan friend. Like you... and you... and you!

People...

WE MUST USE OUR STATUS AS FANS OF THE GREATEST GROUP OF MEN IN THE WORLD TO MAKE THE PLANET A HAPPIER PLACE FOR CHILDREN OF ALL TEAMS.


LET HATE END HERE!

You know, I been thinking lately...

Thinking about the world to come.

The Peace Train, getting nearer!

COME JOIN THE PEACE TRAIN...

Sign up, everybody, sign up. 'Cause it's time to show the world the greatest love of all:

YANKEE FAN LOVE.

Before you sign El Duque's petition to forgive Pedro Martinez ...

... a reminder of who you are forgiving.

John Sings with Jay-Z

At the Canyon of Heroes yesterday, two great entertainers linked
-- Jay-Z and John Sterling --
to hang a 2009 World Series championship onto the cityscape.

Highlight of the day was when Jay, John
and Bridget Kelly laid their chops on the line.

Strange, Disinterested Man Infiltrates Jay-Z Performance on Stage

Notes from today's IT IS HIGH Bikini BallHoes token giveaway at Yankee Celebration

Memo To: IT IS HIGH
From: IT IS HIGH BIKINI BALLHOES TEAM LEADER CYNDI
Location: [REDACTED]

Subject: Success at Yankee Parade

What a day! While memories fresh, let me text thoughts.

First of all, IT IS HIGH BALLHOES had great time dispensing 10,000 paperweight tokens to crowd.

Upon arrival, crowd grew excited! Big cheers! Thumbs up on hotpants. A bit cold for bikinis, though.

Handed out tokens. Amazed at demand. Several girls followed by crowds grabbing. Loud chants. A few asked to move on, but stayed.

Marcia lifted over crowd, passed hand-to-hand. Dangerous. Have filed police report of her missing. (UPDATE: Marcia phoned from Trenton: All OK!)

Positioned team between Blimpie and bathrooms for warmth. Nice police on horseback surrounded, try to hold back surge of crowd. Parade passed IT IS HIGH signage. Several Yankees waved to Allison. Looked sincerely interested. Asked for number. You might get calls.

Unfortunate that crowd started throwing tokens. Really hurts. Was there when paramedics carted out Mrs. Carlyle. No matter what lawyers say, was conscious. Should IT IS HIGH HOES visit in hospital? Maybe send tokens?

Didn't know about shattered windows until police halted giveaway. Also, Mindy feels bad about horses eating tokens. At least now we know: Tokens not for horses. That’s what sampling is all about!

Presented NYC Police with remaining tokens. (About 9,040.) BALLHOES hoping for future IT IS HIGH giveaway ops. If Yankees repeat, HOES be ready!

Red Sox Making News!

Link

John's Face: "To Me, Suzyn, The REAL Z is LIZA!"

Key post-parade observation and photographic evidence from World Champion Commenter Matt:

our fearless leader is confused by Jay Z... but suzyn seems to be enjoying it

The Sound Of Silence

Chances are, it's been almost two days since you heard these guys.

Ain't it great?

JOHN & SUZYN GET KEYS TO CITY!!!

The Most Thrilling Highlights From The Post-Parade Ceremony

LET HATE END HERE! I, el duque, hereby absolve Pedro Martinez for past sins! I shall bear him no malice. I urge all fans to do likewise.

To the Yankiverse,



The Book of Joe sayeth:


"Blessed are thee whose fingers, toes and coupling instrument be annointed by rings, for yee shalt be the seed-cob of hope."



The time has come for peace.



In the spirit of kindness, charity and grace -- attributes that define Yankee fans everywhere -- we must absolve Pedro Martinez for all past crimes.



Let. Hate. End. Here.



Wednesday night, watching this pitiful old soldier on the mound, proved a sad, bittersweet experience. Pedro had nothing. McCarver called it. Buck noticed it. Everybody could see in his doe eyes the envy, as he gazed upon a Yankiverse he always hoped to someday join.

It has always been obvious, his banter with the writers, his sparring with the fans, his hopes three years ago to sign with the Yankees, who scorned him.


He always wanted to wear Pinstripes, but it could never happen.

So did Dante gaze at Beatrice, unable to summon the words to describe his love. And wasn't Dante the greater for it?



Remember Pedro's cracks about beaning Babe Ruth? His line about calling us his daddy? The fight with Don Zimmer (who, we must always remember, charged him -- not the other way around.) He was the straw trying to stir the drink, the sixth grader putting a frog in the lunch pail of the girl he secretly loved.


The other night, he managed to pitch four innings, and then was gone.


We will never see him again. And we will miss him.


Therefore...

I, el duque, hereby absolve Pedro Martinez for all his past sins! From now on, I will bear him no malice. Let us move a small stone forward, and the world shall be a nicer place. I urge all fellow Yankee fans -- in the grace of our 27th World Championship -- to stand and be counted by signing your name in the comment box below.

Boston Dirt Dogs put huge damper on NY celebration with accusations that team bought championship

This is hard to take, especially on what would have otherwise been a joyous occasion.

I guess we in the Yankiverse all have some soul-searching to do.

I don't know about you folks, but I might have to have a drink to mull these terrible accusations. If they're true, I don't see how we can hold the Canyon of Heroes parade, as planned. It will be an empty event, to say the least, with these charges hanging over our heads.

YO! GETYOASSUPEVERBODY! KID ROCK AND JOHN STERLING ARE JAMMIN' TOGETHAH!

Eat your heart out, Pamela Anderson.

The 10 Thuuuuuuuuhhhs of the Post-Season

Yankeeologists have long recognized the Thuh as the most important component of the modern WinWarble. The Thuh is by far the most referenced element in mainstream WinWarble culture, with its length and emotional core achieving near mythical status among youngsters who dream of someday announcing Yankee play-by-play.

But only in recent years, with the development of high-priced audio software systems, such as Windows XP, has science been able to isolate the Thuh and -- in essence -- break it down to its fundamental DNA code.

Captured below is a rare audio snapshot of Wednesday night's World Series-clinching Thuh in its state of full engorgement. Note the groanal foundation (far left), which stabilizes the long, piercing shaft as it prepares to launch the seed of "Yankees win."

Clutch this snapshot within your mind, as we now experience the 10 Thuhs of the 2009 Yankee Post-Season WinWarble Drive -- back to back, belly to belly.

Listen carefully to the pitch, the timber and the collective force of humanity that builds like a locomotive only to then burst with the fury of a billion suns.

Never underestimate the Thuh.

A Rousing Toast for the Yankiverse

This was tossed onto the doorstep at Bardball this evening. It's easy and fun to recite, so I expect everyone to memorize this for the weekend of revelry.

Here's to A-Rod and his Centaur pic
Here's to Damon Johnny and Swisher Nick

Here's to CC, A.J., and Mo
Here's to Molina, Cervelli, and Po

Here's to the Captain in the leadoff spot
Here's to Marte for getting red-hot

Here's to Teixeira and his stretchy right leg
Here's to fifth starters for which we would beg

Here's to Joba and Phil, arms for the future
Here's to Chien-Ming Wang and his sutures

Here's to Melky and Gardner, fighting for starts
Here's to Hairston and Hinske and other spare parts

Here's to Cashman who put it together
Here's to Cano, who can't handle bad weather

Here's to the bullpen from D-Rob to Ace
Here's to Pettitte and the killer gaze

Here's to Matsui, Most Valuable Player
And here's to Girardi, who'll need a new number

by Kevin R.A. DeCandido

Xtree. Xtree, read all about it

Hugging Harold has all of today's newspaper covers,
practically down to the Chittenango Bee.

Here's my fave:

On basis of heroism and World Series, Girardi vaults to third among Yankee Joes

Old rankings.

New rankings.

1. DiMaggio

2. Torre

3. Girardi

4. McCarthy

5. Dugan

6. Pepitone

7. Garagiola

8. Gordon

9. Page

10. Niekro

(Honorable Mention: Cowley, Verbanik, Lefebvre, Sewell)

Girardi, driving home from victory, rescues stunned woman from fiery crash, serves soup to homeless, stops to teach autistic child to whittle

OK, we made up part of it. But right now, Joe Girardi is on the cusp of being named ABC News Person of the Week!

And to think that there are elements out there -- you know who you are! -- who wanted a rush to judgment in favor of Hideki Matsui for November's YANKEE EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH award.

Are you sorry now? Did you fathom that Joe Girardi would become a one-man symbol of the goodness of humanity, of baseball and of the Yankees? Next time you walk past slimy Redsock fans, and they make one of their slimy Redsock fan snide remarks, you will have not only the triumph of 27 rings but the moral superiority of a franchise whose manager stops on the side of the road to help his fellow species.

But no. Some of you wanted us to run off willy-nilly, higgety-piggety, nip-and-tuck and name Hideki as November YANKEE EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH.

Well, they play nine innings in baseball. They play 60 minutes in the NFL. And democracy doesn't end until election day.

Ask Hamid Karzai. Or should we name him IT IS HIGH President of Afghanistan for the month of November? Is that what you want?

One Blingee® To Celebrate Them All

WARNING: FOR OPEN-MINDED ADULTS ONLY

Read more >>

In Post-Game Merriment, Nobody Is More Excited than Bloomberg

Doesn't it look as if Hank is
pushing a gun barrel into the small of his back,
and he's plotting to get away?

A reasoned Jeterian response to the post-game question posed by Chris Rose about whether he has his GPS programmed for the Canyon of Heroes

It's not easy, slaughtering a jubilant moment in front of 60,000 people and a 20 million national TV audience, but Chris Rose stepped up to the plate.

He asked Jeter if he has his car GPS programed for the Canyon of Heroes.

Jeet hemmed and hawed, which is sad. Here's what he should have said.

"Actually, no, Chris. Generally, we stand on floats, so they don't expect us to navigate. I suppose because I'm captain, they might want me to drive. I've been to the Canyon of Heroes a few times, so I think I could get there. Driving could be tricky, but generally, what I would do is follow the people up front.

"You could ask them if they have a GPS programmed for the Canyon. That would be more appropriate. Me. I don't think I will. I bet Joe will, but that's Joe."

The smart players didn't bother to respond to the questions.

Georgie, Mariano and Joe just yelled.

Bizarre. It was more Charlie Rose than Chris. This guy must be hoping to take over "Fresh Air" on NPR someday.

Matt Stairs Storms Out Of Phillies' Locker Room During Ken Rosenthal's Interview With Charlie Manuel -- Fox Sports Video

http://msn.foxsports.com/video/MLB?vid=d89a3be6-000a-455f-988b-e08f6e1072e9

With apologies to all you fans of embedded video, you need to check out this link.

At the 1:35 mark of Ken Rosenthal's (Fox Sports) interview with Charlie Manuel, you see Matt Stairs blow right past his manager and out of sight completely at the 1:43 mark.

This might be the biggest story that nobody's talking about.

Musings, Reflections and Thanks.

Most of you are awaiting my annual, season-ending narrative and wrap-up.

You are expecting my usual insights, perspective and prognostications, presented in clear and logical prose.

Today, however, I digress from the expected and present some unconnected ramblings.

Many of you may not know that I am, in many ways, a master of what I do not know. I have a view of baseball, so to speak, "from the Shadow of Serius" ( the Dog Star ). So from those dark spaces, my thoughts:

1. The season, for me, began in Tampa at Spring Training where I saw the future of this season in the likes of Ramiro Pena, Dave Robertson, Phil Coke and Brett Gardiner.

2. I met SHE-FAN whose Tarot card reading Muse predicted the Yankees in 6 for the championship. Her interviews with Bill, the Yankee fan hot dog vendor on the Santa Barbara beach were classic. And her eating rituals for Yankee wins should make each of us proud. Without her late inning emails urging me to stay calm, and off the ledge, I might now be back, this time permanently, in Bellview.

3. Not to say we don't need some re-tooling. I think we should acquire the following package this off season; Joe Mauer to solidify our catching for the future; "Doc" Holliday for a number 4 starter; Carl Crawford for defense. And, while we're at it, let's get that 18 year old from Cuba, and isn't there another Japanese pitcher everyone likes? Think this might piss off the Yankee haters out there?

4. The highlight of the early season for me was Nick Swisher pitching "lights out" for a clean inning when we trailed the Indians by 24 runs.

5. All the people of Japan should be walking tall today. What a great Yankee Hidki Matsui has been. I say; one more year as DH !

6. We taught SUPERFRANKENSTEIN the game of baseball so he could appreciate and enjoy a day like this.

I give huge credit to El Duque for this accomplishment. Duque was on the " front lines " of this effort, day after day, in sordid bars and squalid apartment buildings hidden behind Syracuse University, drilling SUPERFRANK....... on the fundamentals.

Answering questions like; " what's an infield fly rule? or: " why are you out if you bunt foul with two strikes, when you can hit as many as you want otherwise?" It is draining work.

Our student, fortunately, proved a quick, enthusiastic learner and is now an ardent student of the game....he was ready for watching a game, by himself, after only three seasons !!

And today, with a few beers and a radio, he is just like us. I raise a glass to both of you!!

7. BernBaby, loaded on tequila, came down from upstate to the new stadium for a playoff rainout. That is MVP stuff, in my view.

8. And to all the truly talented members of IIH,IIF,IIc with word and pen, I thank you for relentlessly humiliating me. And in such poetic and high style.

It is your ridicule that keeps me going. I have a job to do, but without you as teammates, I am just another guy in a porkpie hat.

9. One final question; does Ian Kennedy get a ring?

See you in Tampa.

Smash it out of the park...

Yankees win, therefore you (1) pour Gatorade over spouse's head, (2) get drunk, commence shooting into the air, (3) go to Macy's and buy limited edition Waterford crystal baseball?

John's Warble: 10.05 seconds... for the Boss

Enjoy.

Photos from the IT IS HIGH victory party

Celebrities started arriving early.

Alibi Ike, clowning for the camera.

The Phillies wives came incognito.

As usual, it didn't take much urging to
get Mons Meg to sing.

Once Mrs. Utley had a few, the pillow fight started.

Once Alphonso and SuperFrankenstein arrived,
everything got out of hand.

Tough morning.

Name The November Employee Of The Month Now!

El Duque,

I come before you with a humble and contrite heart.

I also come before you on behalf of Yankee fans everywhere.

I recognize that the people just named Kate Hudson Employee Of The Month for October.

But we are in November now.

And, for better or worse, November is the month that counts.

Use your power, kind sir, and name Hideki Matsui the November Employee Of The Month now!

Yes you can!

The New York Yankees are the World's Greatest Group of Men

Order is officially restored, Hank

"Red Sox Nation? What a bunch of shit that is. ... This is a Yankee country. We're going to put the Yankees back on top and restore the universe to order."

- Hank Steinbrenner, March 2, 2008

John has a plan: If he has a bad game, he has a bad game

Thanks, Andy

You did your job.

Now, to ... (shudder) ... the bullpen.

We gotta win this thing tonight

The Master Speaks

OK, This Is No Reason To Panic...

...because, as you know, the Yankees and I believe in scientific baseball and not the benighted, superstitious approach practiced by the primitive New Englanders. So I don't take it as an omen that Blingee.com won't let me make an encouraging Blingee for tonight's game. I've already wasted 90 minutes I don't have, and that's all Blingee will get out of me today. But I've always wanted to try Blogger's new Jump option, so here's the picture I was trying to Blingee, after the jump.

UPDATE:  OK, this Jump option is weird. It works -- which is to say it allows us to move part of a post off the main page -- but it doesn't offer any obvious clicking point from which to view the entire entry. Clicking the headline will take you there, but that's weird and not the first thing a reader would think of, amirite? So the Jump makes me no happier, today, than Blingee. And I regret having to stress that none of this will have the slightest negative effect on Andy.

UPDATE 2: Figured out the jump link. It's there now. As you can see. Not that this can possibly be of any help to Andy.

Read more >>

The ultimate localization of a national news story

They're not in Kansas anymore.

To win it, we must defeat the most influential player that ever stepped into Yankee Stadium

"Because of you guys in some ways, I might be at times the most influential player that ever stepped in Yankee Stadium... "

-- Pedro Martinez --

Puts everything into perspective, eh?

Once again, with feeling: 10 Fine Things to Yell at Pedro Tonight

Print and post.

Yankeeservatives: Loss to Phillies will weed out YINOs (Yankees In Name Only)

Across the Yankiverse, eyes turn to the Bronx tonight for what Yankeeservatives are calliing a national referendum on Robinson Cano, Phil Coke and Brett Gardner -- controversial players whose views on the strike zone may not be pure enough to be supported by the Grand Old Team's ultra-zealous fanbase.

Tuesday, bloggers and talk radio hosts condemned YINOs -- Yankees In Name Only -- demanding their release.

"AJ Burnett is illustrating precisely what moderate Yankees are," Alphonso Limbaugh told his listeners. "He has just put an exclamation point on the problem with YINOs. They eventually end up exactly where most Redsocks do. They're just a little slower in getting there. AJ has screwed every YINO in the country. We could say he's guilty of widespread bestiality."

Meanwhile, team leaders urged caution, saying the franchise must maintain its "Big Tent" approach to the stadium, even if it means alternative strike zones for the likes of Phil Hughes and Chad Gaudin.

10 Yankee ways Kate Hudson managed to drop 20 pounds!

1. Quit gourging on clubhouse food between doubleheaders.

2. After Yankee walkoffs, switched pies from banana cream to shaving cream.

3. No more "eating contests" with C.C.

4. Care package from Joba's mom.

5. Skips meal after every Arod beaning.

6. Following Jew slur, returned "hollow leg" to Ronan Tynan.

7. "Purges" whenever Yanks leave runners on base.

8. The Joe Girardi Micro-Management Diet.

9. Halted daily snack deliveries from W.B. Mason.

10. Withering glares from Minka Kelly.

Despite all his rage he is still just at bat in the cage: John Sterling sings with the Smashing Pumpkins

And you thought Corgan a Cubs fan?

10 Reasons Why We Will Win Tonight

1. Pedro Martinez is pitching on only four days rest.

2. They still haven't met our secret weapon, Chad Gaudin.

3. Their closer is Chase Utley.

4. Their bridge to the closer is Chan Ho Park.

5. Joe Buck can't stand two more nights with McCarver.

6. Multi-faceted Ramiro Pena expands Joe's options to manage.

7. Humankind has run out of old SNL personalities (Carvey, Spade, Chase, Hammond, et al) for commercials.

8. Shane Victorino's finger has the size and color of a Matt Stairs' turd.

9. No Yankee loss can end; Johnny Damon will simply foul off pitches forever.

10. Mariano prepped for six-inning save.