A brief history of the Yankee Universe

We've launched a new scam, FAN CLUB, I meant FAN CLUB, FAN CLUB.

And it's a big fan club! Bigger than biggest! It's the Yankees Universe -- (why not Yankiverse?) -- which means it's bigger than some other team's nation, or planet, or solar system or even (insert Lindsay Lohan twat joke here.) Yes, the big bang has erupted, and the Yankee Universe has been formed!

Check this out for some sweet talkin' p.r. ghost of Arthur Rubenstein super-smooging:

"Membership privileges extend to all aspects of the fan experience, including exclusive Web site advantages, outstanding discounts on official Yankees Clubhouse merchandise, and Fast Track entrance perks on game day, all for only $19.95 for a membership valid through the end of the year!"

Twenty bucks for a wallet card and an on-line back rub from Girardi's pool boy. You'll get more for your $20 by setting fire to it next time Arod hits into a double play.

They must think we're stupid.

That's gotta be it.

They think we're stupid and rich.

That's what they thought when they tore down the stadium and built a steakhouse. They thought we wouldn't even notice that they desecrated a holy site and replaced it with a martini bar for billionaires.

They think we're stupid, rich and gutless.


(OK, I am sorry. I am lashing out again. I don't want to be this way. I want to be stupid and happy. I want to think Brian Bruney will be the bridge, that Swish will not prove the White Sox wrong, that Joba will prevail. But I don't! I don't believe any of that. I've gone over. I'm in a dark place -- did you know Sarah Palin's hair is thinning?!?! -- and I can't escape. In my dreams, I see Jose Molina and Jorge Posada trying to leg out infield hits. I see David Robertson turning to watch the ball disappear. I can't escape these images. Yankee Universe? We already have one. And right now, it's called HELL.)

Sterling's First-Half Highlights Continued: "Tough to Win that Way"

Our trip through the 2009 first-half continues, as we move toward Tuesday's vote for JOHN STERLING MOMENT OF THE FIRST HALF.

Next up on the nominee list is John's think-based analysis, "Tough to Win that Way," which mathematically measures the chances of success when certain demands are not achieved.

Critics hailed the production for its brevity and forethought, noting that of all the Sterlingtoninan moments, this may be the rawest assessment of what it takes to win in the game of baseball.

Enjoy "Tough to Win that Way."

It'll Say "American Shipbuilding Company" On Your Credit Card Statement, So Don't Worry About Your Wife Seeing It

Today the Yankees moved their struggling internet pornography operation to a sticky place behind a pay wall, just like Playboy's Cyber Club and the Wall Street Journal. The ad says it costs $19.95 to join, but surely they mean $1,995.

Sterling First-Half Highlights Continued: "Three Boo-Boos"

Vote starts tomorrow.

This nominee shows the madcap, street-rhyming sensibilities of John and Suzyn, playing perfectly their roles as the most married couple in America.

"Three Boo-Boos"

Sterling First-Half Highlights Continued: "Booth of Terror"

Remember: The vote begins Tuesday.

This film, a leading contender for BEST SPECIAL EFFECTS IN SOUND QUALITY, reveals the dangerous place that is the modern day Lowe's Broadcast Booth.

Witness... "Booth of Terror"

Yanks Now 0-4 With Hinske in Line-up

I'm just saying.....

The Cervelli Curse?

We can't win without Cervelli.

There's something about the guy.

We can't win without him.

Somebody's gotta do something.

When he came, he launched a winning streak.

Beforre he left, he launched a winning streak.

Now he's gone, and we lost three in a row.

We can't win without Cervelli.

Those lips, those eyes.

Bring him back.

All-Star Break Just in Time

Normally, after being humiliated to the point of mass fan suicide, we do the honorable thing and lose at least three out of the next four.

This time, we have three days to mull over how rancid we played against the Angels.

Maybe we'll only lose two out of three.

Progress.

(NOTE: I apologize for the tone of this post. I want to be upbeat. I hate myself for this negativity. I'm lashing out at everyone -- even you, the reader, who has done nothing to warrant such harsh opinion. I'm just... FIVE MINUTES WITH AROD -- five minutes. That's all I want. Five minutes. I'll set him straight. I'll fix him. I don't know what the coaches tell him, but the things I say will leave some permanent impact craters on his subconscious mind. I will not sugarcoat. Nobody has ever called me an enabler. He will know exactly how I feel about grounding into doubleplays with the bases loaded and one out. FIVE MINUTES.)

BREAKING NEWS: DOUG MIENTKIEWICZ THINKS NICK SWISHER IS A TURD

Many thanks to New Stadium Insider Ross for leaving the comment that hipped us to the major breaking story that Twitter will survive without Shelley Duncan, because we have Doug Mientkiewicz:

Doug Mientkiewicz on Twitter

Blogging Bombers on Twitter

Brian on Twitter

New Stadium Insider on Twitter

What the hell: Me on Twitter
Related: Shelley Duncan Swears Off Twitter

UPDATE: Call him Dougiebackpedal:

Do You Know What This Weekend Was?

I'll tell you what this weekend was.

This weekend was a preview of October. That's what this weekend was.

UPDATE: Of course, this isn't the end of the world and it's evil & hurtful to be a pessimist. So I'll say this: if the four AL postseason teams are NYY, TOR, MIN & OAK, then we'll be fine.

Sterling First-Half Highlights Continued: "The Night the Music Died"

Our nominees continue... Remember the vote begins Tuesday...

This selection remains one of the most troubling films ever produced in the Sterling Collection. But like cult films such as "Freaks" and "Texas Chainsaw Massacre III," it cries out to be seen.

It is the night following a blowout victory over Minnesota that John gave no WinWarble at all. (Note: Children should not be allowed to see this video.)

Sterling First-Half Highlights Continued: "The Hamptons"

Our quest continues to find the BEST STERLING MOMENT OF THE FIRST-HALF, a matter that will be resolved in a vote, beginning Tuesday.

In his edgy comedy, "The Hamptons," Sterling and co-star Suzyn Waldman (Think Elaine May) touch upon wealth and poverty in America -- for laughs.

For your consideration...

Sterling's First-Half Highlights Continued: "Pain"

For your consideration -- remember to vote Tuesday for the BEST STERLING MOMENT OF THE FIRST-HALF -- "The Pain."

In this brief film, an announcer learns that to call a game... means paying a price.

How Yanks Can Win When Burnett and Sabathia Are Watching

Contextual Note : If we hadn't acquired Burnett and CC Sabathia in the off-season adult flesh auctions, the Yankees would be 17 games out by now.

This fact is another testimony to the abject, complete, and unrelenting failure of the Yankees to draft, identify, retain, properly utilize and develop major league talent...especially pitching.

We paid $50 million for Kei Igawa. We have Ramiro Pena shagging flies in Trenton. We have Ian Kennedy back in surf city, remarrying his wife for the third consecutive season. We have Andrew Brackman hanging dry wall in a Charleston development. We have another former first pick getting ready for his first season as point guard at Kansas state. And another studying biology at UCLA.

And now we are proving that the Yankees could not hurt themselves at all by simply conceding all remaining games with both the Red Sox and the ( supposedly ) punchless Angels.....who, if memory serves, always beat us.

Given the recent work of Andy, Joba and our former ace Chien-Ming Wang, here's what Joe needs to do in games where anyone other than CC or AJ start:

1. Innings one and two: both Pettitte and Joba are usually ok early. Neither usually gives up more than 3 runs in the first two innings ( on average ), and often they can put up goose eggs.

2. Inning three : I think Coke can give us two thirds of an inning ( sometimes departing without a home run and , at worst, leaving two guys on base with walks), and some combination of Albaladejo and Robertson should get us the third out.

3. Inning 4 : Brian Bruney, if he can regain his mental and or physical acuity, might give us one decent inning every other turn. He and Tomko can flip a coin each day to see whose stuff is worse. But this will remain a vulnerable inning for the Yankees.

4. Innings 5 & 6 : "Ace " Aceves has proven reliable for these longer stints. As long as he can get six outs every day, we should be ok.

5. Innings 7 & 8 : Phil Hughes can give us 1 and 2/3 in this critical "bridge " to Mariano spot.

6. Innings 8.2 and 9: MO is going to have to save a lot of 4 0ut situations. It is simply a fact.

As to some of our other assets:

Mark Melancon is not and will never be a useful Yankee reliever. He is great for batting practice. But he is , at best, a AAAA pitcher. If some fool wants him in a trade, package him with my blessing.

Nice to see Hinske's "pop" return. Unfortunately, the Yanks remain 0-3 with him in the line-up

And, has anyone besides me noticed, that our " come from behind " magic seems to have left the building?

I hope you are listening, Joe.

Sterling First-Half Highlights Continued: "An A-Bomb... from Hideki Matsui"

As we move toward Tuesday's vote for STERLING MOMENT OF THE FIRST HALF, this nominee needs no introduction.

It has already become one of the beloved calls in the history of the Yankees, and it will surely be someday played on a loop in Cooperstown, or at least in nearby Oneonta.

Enjoy... "An A-Bomb... from Hideki Matsui!"

Laughter Amid the Tears

I have seen the future of rock'n'roll and its name is Ivan Nova.

He flung yesterday for the Scranton-Wilkes Barre Yankees of Syracuse. Went eight. Four hits. One run. A cheapo. It scored on two measily flares, one that dropped into right just inches from Shelley Duncan's courageous, outstretched, full-body dive. (NOTE TO SHELLEY: DON'T QUIT TWITTERING! DON'T LET THEM - US - GET TO YOU!)

Nova is 22. He's tall, rangy, freakishly big-boned, shoulders the size of a truck bumper. He hit 93 on the CF radar so often that we figured the machine busted. He throws strikes, gets grounders, except when they are dunked into right.

When San Diego took him last December in the Rule 5 draft, the Yankiverse gulped. Scouts saw potential, but the guy hadn't exactly dominated Low A ball. The Padres tried him in the bullpen. No dice. They returned him. Now you can see what the Padres saw. (NOTE TO YANKIVERSE: STOP THINKING SMALL MARKET ORGANIZATIONS ARE STUPID.)

This year, Nova has shot up through the minors with the brilliance of a, well, you know. When the Yanks talk about spot starts, they mention the veteran, Sergio Mitre. And of course, that makes sense. In a pennant race, go with experience, guile, knowledge.

But a few more starts like yesterday... and you can forget Meat Tray, Joba, Hughes, Kei Igawa... any of them. This kid is nearly ready.

And the thing to remember about a Nova is that the flash is really intense... but not necessariy forever.

OK, This Is Big News. And Sad. Big And Sad News.

Sterling First-Half Highlights Continued: "They Always Have the Lead"

In our continuing review of the 2009 Sterling Baseball Season -- anticipating this week's vote for 'BEST MOMENT OF THE FIRST HALF' -- consider this vivid depiction of one man's personal pain, as he confronts the real world demons that are fated to destroy him.

This Harold Pinterianesque portait, drawn from the brutal intensity of a Boston sweep, delves deeply below the surface of a broadcaster's primal need to speak an unspeakable truth, regardless of the consequences.

Witness, "They Always Have the Lead."

Shoot them. Then shoot me. And save the last bullet for yourself.

This is so depressing I don't know where to start.

We're facing the shadow of an Angels team -- no Hunter, no Vlad, no Garret Anderson -- in the aftermath of a morale-boosting sweep of Minnesota, which propelled us into a tie for first... and... this.

I'm sorry, folks.

I can't take it anymore.

I have lost faith in this team.

Let the brown-nosers tout our future. They were the ones who talked about how great it'd be when Bruney gets back, how Veras would soon get it together, how Joba has all the stuff to be a great pitcher, how Robinson Cano has turned a new leaf...

I can't handle this. I know what's going to happen next time we play Boston: Some Redsock pitcher who'se been getting bombed will throw 8 shutout innings. The hitter in a slump... he'll go 4-4.

It's been eight years of $200 million budgets geared toward meglomaniac players who are surrounded by a syncopathic, enabling media, and who cannot perform when performance matters.

Alphonso -- the most pessimistic Yankee fan in the world -- for months has been saying this team was going nowhere. I didn't believe him.

He is right. We're fooling ourselves if we think this team can win it.

Shoot me.

Sterling First-Half Highlights Continued: "Seven Nineteen"

Our trip through the Greatest Sterling Moments of the First Half continues. (Remember: We'll vote for the Best Moment over the All-Star Break.)

This nominee came relatively early, during the pie-in-the-face jubiliation of a Melky Cabrera walk-off hit. It stands as John's longest WinWarble of the season: 7.19 seconds.

It's not the longest Warble in history: Last year, over Boston, he peeled off a 7.88-second Warble.

But it stands as a remarkable achievement within the Sterlingtonian universe.

Question for the Yankiverse

Will we ever beat a good team?

The Heart of Darkness

Sterling First-Half Highlights Continued: "Oh Wow!"

Our journey through 2009 continues...

Joining our nominees for BEST STERLING MOMENT OF THE FIRST HALF is... "Oh Wow!"

In a breathtaking flashback to the 1960s, with a plot twist reminiscent of "The Gods Must Be Crazy," a disillusioned broadcaster, afraid to confront his demons, finds an endearing -- and unexpected -- gift has fallen from the sky.

Today it's Yanks v. Mets in the Emerald City

The Scranton Wilkes Barre Yankees of Syracuse play the Buffalo Bisons, the first Subway-Thruway Yankee-Met series here since 1977.

Third base line. First row. Section 116.

Mull this over.

John's First Half Highlights begin: "The Debacle"

It's been a wild 2009 season for John Sterling. Over the next few days, let's review some of the highlights and then, over the all-star break, vote for the BEST STERLING MOMENT OF THE FIRST-HALF.

This candidate, titled "24-to-2" was released in limited theaters early in the Oscar season. Though it did poorly at the box office, its crisp imagery and powerful ending makes it unforgetable. Ladies and gentlemen... "24 to 2."

Gutless IIH Poll-Voters Dodge Issue

Leave them an easy out, and most will take it.

Does Joe Girardi get to flee from tough decisions?

Look within yourselves, IT IS HIGH voters, before you judge next time!

Hollywood Hotline: Did John kanoodle Suzyn last night on the "Kiss Cam?"

DATELINE: TINSELTOWN

FLASH! Tweats from little birdies tell this humble scribe that the Disneyesque temptations of a La-La Land sunset last night seemed to have unleashed 30 years of microphone-repressed hormones for the most married couple in America.

The story involves a certain Jeep-driven, veteran broadcasting duo, which -- through the miracle of a stadium kiss-cam -- suddenly found themsevleves back in 1968... meeting at the JP Stevens rally after he accidentally spilled bongwater onto her peasant blouse... staring into each others eyes with the kind of lust assigned by U.S. Senators to their office managers... and performed an act of mouth-to-mouth congress.

All this... while their chosen team was coughing up a 4-run lead!

This reporter wonders: Had their team been victorious, would there have even been a WinWarble? Or would the world have merely heard the cooing sounds of contented pigeons? Stay tuned, Yankiverse. - 30 -

Who Is The King Of The 5-Inning No-Decision? Joba Is The King Of The 5-Inning No-Decision.

Except when he lasts only 4.1 innings.

But no matter how many runs the Yankees spot him, or don't, he remains consistent. No team has come close to putting a dent in Joba's dominance over the 5-inning no-decision.

He's flourishing in this role.

And I'm going to bed.

David Ortiz has only 300 home runs.

Wow. Has he moved ahead of Jimmy Wynn? Lance Bergman? Three hundred homers.

Gonna be hard to keep Papi out of Cooperstown with those kinds of monster numbers.

I didn't realize a 300-pound guy on performance enhancing cheetos could hit less than 400 homers, but there's always that special exception.

Congratulations, Papi!

At this rate -- 300 homers by, what, age 36 -- you'll pass Troy O'Leary around the time the glaciers have melted and Fenway is underwater.

Two-thirty is within sight! Go for it. And Mo Vaughn says hi.

Encore (Again:) "CASHMAN HEARS A HUGHES"

Damaso Marte is alive

The last surviving Yankee from the ill-fated "Trade of 08" may someday restart his bold journey forward.

Damaso Marte threw yesterday.

You can't predict anything.

The 10 Central Tenets of Sterlingtonian Philosophy

1. Reality unfurls as a random progression of independent happenstances, and no knowledge-based system of man -- however complex and well-conceived -- can reasonably predict what future sequences will occur.

2. If one concedes free ground without even challenging an opponent, especially when it is the first in a sequence of individual confrontations slated for the immediate future, the person risks paying an enormous price.

3. Those who occupy a booth above the fray can truly know nothing or ever adequately judge the decisions of a field general in the heat of battle.

4. That said, bunting on a 3-0 count is a terrible, horrible decision.

5. If the movements of physical athleticism were easy, they would always be accomplished perfectly, without error; but they are not easy.

6. Youth brings the special spark of mirth and warmth to veterans fatigued by the grind of battle. Young people are the future.

7. The fundamental flow of time surges ahead more quickly, as if propelled by pulses beyond human comprehension, during the advent of the Daily News fifth inning.

8. Nothing more stirs the human heart than the image of a flying white orb disappearing far into the stands; if a certain playing field encourages the number of times that such divine acts occur, that special space must be celebrated... not questioned.

9. There are several Joes, but only one Captain... and one Mo.

10. All of life's seemingly unanswerable questions shall be resolved by the critical analysis destined to take place in the post-game show.

A Bold and Foolproof Plan to Beat the Redsocks and Capture the 2009 Pennant

From IIH thinktank commentator realistic:

"Everyone keeps saying that it's amazing that they're tied for first place, after losing all 8 games. However I disagree.

"We're a lot BETTER than them against the rest of baseball. The only reason we're tied is because after they humiliated us the team went into a tailspin (see mets minus castillo, nats, florida)

"Therefore I propose that the next series we have with boston, let's just forfeit the games.

"Had we done it previously we'd have kept our dignity. They'd have been awarded with the wins. and we'd be 5 games up in the standings."

Ladies and gentlepersons, this is the kind of thinking that wins the World Series.

.

FORFEIT FENWAY.

DON'T EVEN SHOW UP. DON'T GIVE THEM THE SATISFACTION OF PLAY. ROB THEM OF HOME GAME REVENUES. THAT'S MILLIONS OF DOLLARS. AT HOME, WE PLAY A RAGTAG LINE UP OF BRAWLING INDEPENDENT PRO WRESTLERS AND DRUG FIENDS.

WHILE THEY'RE BEATING THEIR CHESTS, WE WILL ENJOY THE TIME OFF, SCOUT THE ROYALS AND WHITESOCK LINEUPS MORE CAREFULLY, AND "TAKE CARE OF BIDNESS."

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FORFEIT FENWAY... IT'S A FINE WAY.